Trauma Bonding and Its Impact on Relationships
Trauma survivors often embrace unhealthy coping mechanisms in the name of feeling more secure. This is understandable in such extreme scenarios, but if these methods are not corrected, they can negatively affect their lives for a long time. A common example is trauma bonding. In the name of surviving abuse, a victim may create a strong bond with their abuser.
They seek out any sign that things are getting better or that the other person is “not that bad.” This can trigger a chemical response in one’s brain that blurs the reality of what’s happening. As a result, even years after the experience, you can have trouble discerning relationship red flags.
What Causes Trauma Bonding?
We may look to an intimate partner for connection and safety. Even if that person is the source of trauma, some part of us may still see them as someone to turn to for comfort. In the good times, a close attachment causes your brain to release feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. Such a bond doesn’t suddenly vanish when things take an ugly turn. Therefore, in a desperate attempt to make sense of an extreme situation, you may seek to resolve the situation in a counterproductive manner.
In other words, trauma bonds are quite real but can feel as if they are invisible. Thus, to ease the distress you’re feeling, you may start to focus on your partner’s positive characteristics. Let’s be clear: a similar dynamic can take place with anyone with whom you’ve created a close attachment.
Common Signs of a Trauma Bond
Keeping Secrets: Do you find yourself hiding any sign of a problem? Do you feel afraid that your abuser will find out you said something about them? Are people in your life asking tough questions?
Lots of Excuses: When you can’t hide the truth, you may opt to obscure it with excuses like “It’s my fault” or “You don’t know him like I do.”
People-Pleasing: Someone with a trauma bond may reflexively aim to please everyone they meet. They do this because they fear a repeat of past patterns.
“I Can Change Them!”: Whether it’s a family member, a partner, or a close friend, you try to convince yourself that it’s “not that bad” and you’re the one who will help them change.
Feeling Unable to Leave: Even when the situation spills over to a point at which everyone can see it, you can’t bring yourself to break the attachment.
You Can Heal From a Trauma Bond
The pattern is deeply rooted in a traumatic event or series of events. But it can be uprooted. Healing begins with awareness and acceptance. As you can see from the signs above, denial is a major player in this passion play. To suddenly identify this person as the source of your pain is jolting. Thus, you might want to embark on some self-education and, most definitely, connect with an experienced counselor.
Under the guidance of a professional, you can begin to accept what everyone has been warning you about. You are not to blame, but at some point, you need to take that first step and own up to the existence of a problem.
You Deserve Help, and It is Available
The therapy room can serve as a safe place in which you can talk about topics you’ve suppressed for a long time. If you’re still in an abusive relationship, a therapist can help you to leave safely. But even if the traumatic events are years or decades old, your sessions are where you can take those first crucial steps on the road to recovery. When you’re ready, we are here to help. Contact our office today to set up your first appointment for trauma therapy.